Pretenders

Will we find ourselves or lose ourselves? All I know is we need to go somewhere far away. Or I do. You can come if you want. I know you think I’m cold. I know you know that you’re not the one I want. You’ll come anyway though, I know you. We are not meant for each other. Sometimes I think we are paying old debts to the universe, she put us here together. Sometimes I think we need each other, I could need you. I’ve been warned that our time should’ve been over and to leave you be. I give you a choice but I already know your answer. You will pretend with me until I stop leaving you keys to far away places, even if it’s colder there. 

New Souls

I can’t articulate how much I miss you. My other friendships feel exhausting when I know you won’t be sharing the moments I am about to have with them. I find reasons to stop by your mom’s house just to be around someone who reminds me of you long enough to usually leave with a wine buzz and a paper-plate full of snacks. She doesn’t know what happened between us. If she knew what we had done to each other she wouldn’t have been sharing stories and giving me hugs goodbye. She wouldn't have let me in her house. She asks me what I’m wearing to your company Christmas party this year. I lie and tell her I don’t know yet. I’m not brave enough to tell her you didn’t invite me. A part of me thinks our souls recycle and in our next life I know my soul would look for yours. Maybe then our lives will connect in ways they couldn’t in this life, when our souls are older and wiser. When mine is kinder and yours is stronger. We are too new for this life. 

Karma Larma Marma

I'm not sure I knew what I was doing when the events of my summer began to compress on me. I'm not really sure I cared in the moment. It was more like my subconscious knew my defeat before it happened. I felt it there all Summer, but I never knew it would look like this. I hope it was worth it. In some ways it was. I remind myself I'm human and that we don't always know the weight of our mistakes until it's done and can't be taken back. I finally have everything I've wanted all Summer. But I sit here on a bench next to a spider and he's telling me I stole this happiness. I debate squishing him. Instead, I walk away and tell him to let me be, he looks at me knowingly and I think he finally understands.

Don't forget I love you too. I made a choice. That choice wasn't you.

But,

Don't forget my friend,

I love you too.

You wouldn't think Southern Cal would be this warm in January. I step off the plane and feel a cool breeze, the sun is shining. You get out of your car and open the trunk, lift my bags in, and only when you're done do you look at me. 'long time no see', you say smiling, cupping my face in your hands and kissing me carefully, intentionally, like a precious gem that might break under the weight. When we pull into your driveway I climb over to your side, 'What're you doing crazy girl?'. 'I just needed to be closer', I say with a sneaky look on my face. You aren't like me, you do things with precision, with thought. Not that I'm thoughtless, my heart just thumps louder than my thoughts. You touch all my bruises, 'crazy girl you need to take your vitamins.' You are always giving me vitamins and scolding me like a child when you see a new bruise surface on my skin. It used to annoy me. But now that I know you I see that you are worried about me. So many lost loved ones, such a burden to carry alone. So I take my vitamins like you tell me to, and I go on runs and I drink enough water and I quit drinking diet coke. 'I don't want you to die', you say to me one night. We lay tangled in your sheets, still wet from the shower and I trace the lines on your face with my fingertip. 'One day I will, not today, and not until I'm very wrinkled, I've made a deal with God' I say smiling. You don't look convinced. I don't think diet coke will give me cancer or that if I skip my iron intake my blood will stop pumping. But I do as you ask. I do it because when holidays pass and your sad green eyes look to me for comfort I want you to seek solace in knowing that I am well and you won't spend a holiday without me. Leo, you are so very lost on how loud your heart really thumps. It's not lost on me though, I know you. 

I hear you friend, the love in your voice, the concern. But these are my feelings, I can't apologize for it and I can't make the decision you would make. I'm going home with him. Following him into his house, taking a deep breath of Ocean air before I pass the front steps and I'm going to be brave. I don't know if I'm sure about him, I may never be, but I know this is where I'm supposed to go. I hear you, but I'm not wrong about this. Trust me & let me trust me.

One Day

I want to believe you. I want the words 'I'm ready' to be true. You call me your small spoon because I can't sleep without your arms around me. I weigh the outcomes if I give you a second chance. The first thing that surfaces from memory is the spot on my shoulder that you always used to kiss when we collapsed out of breath from making love in the middle of the night. Sometimes I touch this spot and close my eyes to help me remember your smell, your mouth, to help me remember you. You tell me you have changed, that you're done pushing me away, that you finally grieved the death of your mom. You tell me you miss watching me brush my teeth. I laugh, tears pooling in my eyes, and realize I miss you too. I remember telling you to let me in, and you stood there with your arms crossed, face un-telling of any emotion, the words 'one day' making my heart sink. Now it's one day, and I don't know if it's too late for us. I love you. But I don't know if 'one day' is enough. My dad once told me to 'try, try, try, and when the other person quits trying, you try for the both of you, and when you've exhausted all the try you have in you thats when you leave.'

Not ready for one day, but not ready to quit trying. Not ready to leave. I love you too much Leo.