Karma Larma Marma

I'm not sure I knew what I was doing when the events of my summer began to compress on me. I'm not really sure I cared in the moment. It was more like my subconscious knew my defeat before it happened. I felt it there all Summer, but I never knew it would look like this. I hope it was worth it. In some ways it was. I remind myself I'm human and that we don't always know the weight of our mistakes until it's done and can't be taken back. I finally have everything I've wanted all Summer. But I sit here on a bench next to a spider and he's telling me I stole this happiness. I debate squishing him. Instead, I walk away and tell him to let me be, he looks at me knowingly and I think he finally understands.

Don't forget I love you too. I made a choice. That choice wasn't you.

But,

Don't forget my friend,

I love you too.

You wouldn't think Southern Cal would be this warm in January. I step off the plane and feel a cool breeze, the sun is shining. You get out of your car and open the trunk, lift my bags in, and only when you're done do you look at me. 'long time no see', you say smiling, cupping my face in your hands and kissing me carefully, intentionally, like a precious gem that might break under the weight. When we pull into your driveway I climb over to your side, 'What're you doing crazy girl?'. 'I just needed to be closer', I say with a sneaky look on my face. You aren't like me, you do things with precision, with thought. Not that I'm thoughtless, my heart just thumps louder than my thoughts. You touch all my bruises, 'crazy girl you need to take your vitamins.' You are always giving me vitamins and scolding me like a child when you see a new bruise surface on my skin. It used to annoy me. But now that I know you I see that you are worried about me. So many lost loved ones, such a burden to carry alone. So I take my vitamins like you tell me to, and I go on runs and I drink enough water and I quit drinking diet coke. 'I don't want you to die', you say to me one night. We lay tangled in your sheets, still wet from the shower and I trace the lines on your face with my fingertip. 'One day I will, not today, and not until I'm very wrinkled, I've made a deal with God' I say smiling. You don't look convinced. I don't think diet coke will give me cancer or that if I skip my iron intake my blood will stop pumping. But I do as you ask. I do it because when holidays pass and your sad green eyes look to me for comfort I want you to seek solace in knowing that I am well and you won't spend a holiday without me. Leo, you are so very lost on how loud your heart really thumps. It's not lost on me though, I know you.