My Gemini

Did you ever think we would be here, in this bar, together? That our beer preference would ever shift from the cheapest you can get the random guy at the gas station to buy for us? I met you 9 years ago. Your locker was next to mine. I ask you how that was possible seeing as our last names are on opposite ends of the alphabet. You admit to me that you switched with another 8th grader so you could be closer to mine. I'm more flattered than I let on. For no particular reason we are in a state of nostalgia. We've been in bars before, paid bills like adults, slept with other people, we've paid our dues - for the most part. But tonight we both remember what it was like to be 16 making out in your truck listening to Tom Petty. I ask you about Sophomore year, the year I refused to go to school for a week. I ask you how you got me to come back after 3 days. You shrug. And I thank you again for those three days you brought movies and snacks and played with my hair until I fell asleep. You made me forget that "my life was over". Now we're in a bar, spending our own money, making money at real jobs and aloud to have sleep overs that don't require your mom making sure you're in your bed and I'm still in the guest bed. We're adults now, or some version of it. I guess I never knew this is what it would be like. You're my friend, mistakes and forgiveness are a part of it. Tonight, instead of shrugging off what we've done to each other we apologize. On the walk home you put your arm around me. And I remember again what it's like to be teenage best friends, with no clue that one day we would be walking home buzzed, no curfew, and full of the regrets we try to forgive ourselves for. I love you, Gemini.

Dream State

The sky is on fire tonight. A warning burns against your back and you scratch it away. You carry your shoulders heavy and your neck heavier, keeping your head down. I watch you drag your feet down the banister, your black chiffon rippling against the ground behind you. You trace your fingers along the railing and I see that your mind is elsewhere. The costume you put on makes it hard to see you, the bloodshot eyes and swollen cheeks. But I see you. It's like watching yourself in a dream. When you watch the scene happening and have no conscious control over yourself. Your Dreams take over and go where they want without your permission. So there I am being kissed by a man who only sees what he wants to see. It's a fantasy world to you, and I'm your fantasy girl for the night. I watch you give me a once over, sipping your tonic and looking at me like a hungry wolf. I hate myself for wondering if you like my dress and the way I did my hair. I wore it the way you told me you liked it. I want to tell myself to leave. Go home sweet girl, take off your party dress, and fall asleep to an Audrey Hepburn film. But when I try to yell my warnings no words come out and I am forced to watch this dream unravel into something grotesque. When your lips linger on my neck too long I lift my head up to resist. The moon is burning bright tonight, and I see the warning I felt earlier kissing burn marks up my spine. I close my eyes and every part of me shutters as your hands rip open the seams down the back of my gown. I feel sick for wanting you, you are nothing to me.

Intamacies of the Morbid

There are ghosts next door.
Zombies on my couch.

I want to lose control, forget everything and leave this graveyard of memories. 

I let you put me in a vice in hopes that your control will mold me into a different person.
Your mouth and fingers sinking into me making my skin burn with the things I’ve denied myself in an attempt at freedom. But in this moment, I feel released from the grip of the dead. 

Bruises begin to snake up my thighs. When I feel your hands in my hair pulling hard and our hips pressing even harder I let the physical pain and thrill replace the sickness in my stomach and head. My neck feels like it might break in half, but I don't care at all. I surrender to your arms pulling me into you deeper and losing my mind beneath you. Losing control.

I force my limbs to stop shaking and welcome the raking of your teeth to the parts of me you haven’t already inflicted.

When you release my wrists from the mattress we roll into each other in shapes that don’t fit and I pace in my mind wondering if the creatures of the dead have left me. But when you say my name, I realize I’ve been in these arms before and this familiarity leaves me with regrets I may never forgive myself for. The dead are everywhere. 

James

I wrap your blue sweater around my shoulders and cuddle up to my family a little closer than I normally would to watch a show that you usually put on for them. This was your favorite holiday and you chose to leave this life before it arrived. We all miss you in our own way. We light a firework in your honor and write your name with smoke from our sparklers. I hug this family you loved so much a little tighter tonight. I ask if your soul is finally at rest, I don’t hear you answer but I feel your peace in my heart. Be well our dear friend, you are so very missed.